KultCon 2014

Okay. This is going to be a long one. Don’t read if you can’t stand a lot of self-loathing - and before you ask; no, this is not a cry for attention or me going "boo-hoo everyone hates me." This is my experience of a long time fighting for people to stop judging cosplayers based upon how they look.

I'm plus-sized, there’s no hiding it. Aside from that it’s a risk for my health, which admittedly worries me a bit; I’m pretty comfortable in my own skin.
I am beyond used to that people call me names when I cosplay. It still is like a mother-fucking knife stabbing me in the back when I hear people call me names or when I after the convention browse images and see what people write. I’ve been – among other things, told to stop cosplaying because I bring other cosplayers down with how ugly I look. The sheer amount of hate that I’ve received is… insane. Soooo much that again and again I’ve decided to stop cosplaying, but then someone has cheered me on and I decide to try just one more costume. And I have been cosplaying for twelve years, so that’s a long time of hearing things like this.

So, yeah, you might say that I’m not particularly confident with cosplaying on an everyday basis, even though I love it. It’s a love-hate relationship, truthfully.

I wasn't planning on competing at KultCon. Far from it. I made Merryweather (Sleeping Beauty) because I love her as a character and I knew that the theme for the cosplay-chess was going to be hot vs. cold (at least it was when I signed up o.o ) and I wanted an excuse to yell “MAKE IT BLUE!” to someone dressed in pink/red. But then Linnéa (head of cosplay) made me sign up for the competition on location, and I just went “… fine. For shits and giggles.”

I had fun. I owned that stage, because frankly – Merryweather is just like me. Short, grumpy, over-weight but though she's prickly like a cactus she's a real softie on the inside. It’s not a perfect cosplay. The only screen-accurate thing on it is the dress, the rest is me going “would she - if she had the possibility, add details like this?”

And an hour after the competition I got a call asking me to come into judging. I literally stared at my phone for two minutes wondering what the hell just had happened. I was convinced that they’d picked the wrong person and that they’d go “lol we were mistaken. Kthxbai” when I stepped into the room. A part of me still thinks this is the case.

But then later that night I got a text saying that I’d been selected to win something in the cosplay competition. I lost it. I think I broke down crying four or five times, because in my world people like me don’t win things. Not with the ongoing debates about weight, about how you look and the constant talk about that you have to have a 90/60/90 body.

Until actually hearing my name being announced on the stage (and really-really? Until I left the convention) I thought this was a mix-up. I held on to my trophy afraid someone would take it away from me. On-stage I think I yelled "WHAT?!" four or five times. And I find it so ironic that despite me raging again and again about that I hate the category “most alike/similar” category (due to the pressure about looks), in which category did I win? Most alike/similar.

I think this proves that I have a point. You don’t have to have a “perfect body” (and Lord knows I hate using that phrase, because everybody is perfect as long as they feel good about themselves) to win. You can be a short, grumpy, fat woman who likes to sew and improvise with a limited budget. You don’t have to starve yourself, work out like a loon or have a fat wallet. You need to love a character enough to want to dress up like them, and hey – if you happen to cosplay a short, fat, grumpy old woman while you are one – good for you. But never forget – if you don’t want to cosplay a short, fat, grumpy old woman but a beautiful princess, go crazy. Do what you love. Because when you feel beautiful and comfortable with what you cosplay you are gorgeous no matter what.

Thank you Cherry for beating this message into my thick-headed skull. I love you <3